What is the concept of a “groundbreaking”? It’s the construction fruition of the mantra “The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.” As the construction crew digs the first of 10,000 repetitions needed to excavate for a new structure, the groundbreaking represents that initial step whose subsequent steps will eventually produce the final product.
The A’s held a “groundbreaking” ceremony on Monday morning in Las Vegas. Or should I say “ground” “breaking” because neither actually applied.
Playing the role of the “ground” was a table.
Playing the part of a 9 acre parcel was a room in an air-conditioned building nearby.
Playing the role of construction workers were two clowns, John Fisher and Rob Manfred, and 6 other people also not licensed to dig into the actual ground.
Playing the role of heavy machinery excavating underground was a rented bulldozer that sat idle outside.
So the “single step” towards a brand new stadium on the Tropicana site was a bunch of people wearing green and gold hard hats and holding a shovel, sifting dirt on a diorama of a baseball diamond that sat on a table in a room in a building while the plot of land and the bulldozer hung out undisturbed.
And to think I was skeptical! When you look at the photo you can see that this is going to be an absolutely state-of-the-art … 10’ by 8’ stadium that sits on a table? In fairness, it’s a bit hard to decipher the exact plan of a project whose renderings have placed the stadium in the wrong direction and left out a bullpen, but using the gift of inference here’s what I’m gathering:
The A’s will sign Luis Urias to a 10-year extension this off-season and will begin drafting only midgets and dwarfs as they prepare for their new 80 square foot stadium.
Naming rights will be given to one of the manufacturers of cat litter boxes with cat litter being used to pave the warning track. By 2028 the A’s will have traded for outfielder Colton Meowser.
The A’s will announce “dynamic pricing,” which sounds a lot better than “price gouging,” and will explain that because the “intimate” setting only allows for seating capacity of 7, individual tickets will go for $72,000-$172,000.
Eschewing artificial turf for green felt, the A’s will have a promotion sponsored by Brunswick Pool Tables in which fans will be given a pool stick and cue ball and win a prize if they can carom the ball off the side walls 4 times without hitting a player.
All seriousness aside, though, if you had any doubts the A’s were all in to get this thing built this event should have assuaged those concerns. This was an event that had to cost thousands, with the diorama “understudy” running a tab that had to be in the hundreds.
And if pretending to move a clump of dirt on a table nowhere near the plot of land doesn’t prove a stadium is actually being built, I don’t know what does. Now that this dirt has been pretend-moved, all the A’s are really lacking is a few acres and a couple billion dollars like they have been all along.
Play ball! Just watch out for the cat you-know-what. Our sifter walks behind the elephants at the Bellagio during the week and only works The Litter Box on weekends.